Personal writing

Obituary to my childhood self

You are responsible for some of my earliest memories. Not earliest, I suppose—we didn’t meet until I was seven years old. Still, the memories feel primordial: they feel like they coincide with the genesis of my being. Playing in New Mexico, I remember vast expanses of hills and trees, valleys into which we would look… Continue reading Obituary to my childhood self

Personal writing, Uncategorized

The authentic self and the illusion of the academy

While living in Colorado Springs between 2015 and -16, I wrote a novel on power, alienation, and education. I never gave it a title, but the work describes a high-powered Academy where children are taken away from their families, then trained in a series of exercises that culminate in the ability to “Produce,” meaning manifest… Continue reading The authentic self and the illusion of the academy

Personal writing

Awakening from the Matrix: on the purpose of “agents”

Recently I’ve been feeling like I’ve been awakening from the Matrix. What I mean by this is I’ve been coming into my power: trusting my intuition, unleashing my creativity, knowing that I don’t need to wait for anyone’s approval. This is a form of initiation. As this has happened, it’s been illuminating to see the… Continue reading Awakening from the Matrix: on the purpose of “agents”

Personal writing

“What’s my purpose?”

I In summer of 2017, I had a conversation with a guru about my life’s purpose. Toward the end of a session with my therapist, I had complained about work, saying that I never felt fully connected with or satisfied by what I was doing. “It sounds like you’re searching for your purpose,” she said.… Continue reading “What’s my purpose?”

Personal writing

Impostor syndrome as spiritual dilemma

Probably as many as 70% of graduate students suffer from impostor syndrome, and I am one. According to a cursory internet search, impostor syndrome is a “psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a ‘fraud.’” For me, this fear centers almost entirely around… Continue reading Impostor syndrome as spiritual dilemma

Personal writing

A tale of two dreams

This past Thanksgiving, I had the most intriguing dream of my life. In the first part of the dream, I was explicitly seeking to find “God” by flying to the north pole. I was being pursued by two suited men, who also flew, so this part of the dream was much like “The Matrix”—I would… Continue reading A tale of two dreams

Personal writing

Leadership as illusion

It used to feel imperative to me that I be a leader. I used to think there were people in life that were followers, and people that were leaders, and that it was better to be the latter than the former. Mostly, I think this vision was bound up in notions of masculinity for me.… Continue reading Leadership as illusion