Alchemy: a new (and old) kind of dating app!

Introducing Alchemy, a new (and old) kind of dating app!

Unlike its competitors, Alchemy was installed on your hard drive at the time you were born, and its fee for each month’s usage is precisely $0.00! (Additionally, there is no way of “opting out” of Alchemy’s services save suicide, and even then you and your data will simply be reuploaded to the algorithm, now with the subsequent baggage of suicide.)

In place of the conscious preferences and profiles of competitor apps, Alchemy functions unconsciously—that is, merely by existing in the world you are drawing “matches” to you, corresponding the intentions and desires of your subconscious.

For instance, you could be sitting in a coffee shop and someone could approach you—Alchemy! You could be parked in your car at a light and someone in the car adjacent you could smile—Alchemy! You could meet someone in a library, or at a conference, or at work, or on a plane… Even if you used one of our competitor apps and happened to meet a partner through there, behind the scenes it would really have been Alchemy at work, all from the charity of our good hearts.

Because Alchemy responds to your unknown intentions and desires, the only way to upgrade your matches and therefore your relationship success is to reflect on these intentions and desires. For example, let’s say that every potential partner you meet is already embroiled with someone else, and they merely want to incorporate you into the mix as a “side piece.” At first you might victimize yourself to this reality, believing yourself to be old fashioned and that polyamory must be the way of this new and dizzying zeitgeist, but after a number of iterations you might ask yourself: in what ways am I drawing this reality to myself? In what ways am I subconsciously asking for—or accepting—unavailable partners? From this inquiry, a new awareness can grow, and you will notice an alteration of your matches.

As stated previously, Alchemy is automatically installed on all users’ hard drives, but that does not mean that the majority of users employ the software consciously. In fact, most everybody simply shrugs their shoulders at the matches they receive, or feels angry about them and blames the world; hardly anybody inputs the conscious work entailed of recognizing the fact that they themselves drew the matches to them, then changing their inner landscape such that the matches, too, can change.

Struggling with dating? Try Alchemy today! Or rather, try actually thinking about Alchemy, rather than simply letting it happen to you; it is the least you could do in exchange for all the great work we have put in installing this app.